When Dreams Prevail,

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

sometimes i ask myself. (true story)

Sometimes i ask myself :
" what am i looking for when i am first born? "

" i wanna be a builder! " i said to myself
while playing with my lego and building houses and plane

" i want to me a writer! " i smirked to myself
as i wrote stories of the dreams i had and the things i see

" i want to be an artist! " i said while smiling happily
as i attended art classes,
holding upon a drawing i drew of a dragon boat race ,
with racers coloured in green .

But as i grow up
i discovered that,
i cannot build but i can design the layout,
i can't write but i can visualize what i wish to tell.
i don't really wanna draw but i wish to capture the image with the colour as it is.

I told myself from then on.
" I want to be a photographer,
to build the world with colourful images,
write a story with the pictures i take,
and paint the world with vibrant colours with my imagination."

and so from there on i moved on and kept myself focus on learning the ways of the light.
it's not about earning money nonstop and doing ur best
it's about doing it with and without earning money .
yet following wat u think is important in life.

i am happy to know that ,
even if i am sick,
not being able to live a long life,
or even about not having someone to be with.
i am happy to paint the world,
draw smiles and happiness as well as creating what my eye and mind see
into a visual art.

most ppl in singapore is just thinking too much about things that is way too farsight.
thinking of about what it would be after they are old.
about retirement and death.
i would ask everyone a question.
what if u secure a health insurance?
what if u set a firm retirement?
and working your ass off only to spend on things u want now?

life is never secure.
are you happy with what you are doing now?
i know you might already start thinking about .

"so what if i am not happy now? i will be happy when i am old.
while you aren't"

my reply would be

"nah,i am happy that i revolve myself around happy memories,
doing things i know i would not be able to do when i am old.
facing challenges that i might most probably give up due to my aging body."

so before you start thinking about asking someone to look at what society has to offer.
take one step back
and think what have you done recently?
is it really what you wish to do in the future?
if you are happy with what you are doing,
you would smile after you have done it,
and feel happy inside.

if not,
it's is just another job that you think u are doing,
because the other job just doesn't seems to interest you or too tough for you.
ppl who don't reply instantly doesnt mean they have something to hid,
it's because they are finding words that are more appropriate to reply.
don't be judgmental over how fast a person replies,
but how much a person actually do.

because a person who thinks rather then act instantly has thinks plan way more then a person with nothing but words.

8:41 AM

Monday, February 27, 2012

Sometime I wish...

One thing about having friends working in a job that requires secrecy
And having to do deals with them makes things really complicated.
That is why I dislike changing things from one to another.
It applies for the things I do as much as for love and relationship.
Once u put ur heart in one,
It's just not right to put it in another.

Sigh...
I guess the issue now isnt about love.
But more about deals.
Having to know 2 person
whose dealing with the same thing.
Yet u have already have dealt with one while
The other is a friend who u know for several years.
Yet u know u are avoiding him for the last 3 years
From the deals which u hate facing.
But because of good will u agreed to meet
hoping for some others to learn.

But wat the outcome is the guilt of "cheating" a friend
Who I have to face for the next 5 more years incamp.
Now suddenly whenever I face anything that revolved around the deal.
I totally don't feel like doing at all.
My mood totally changes...

Sometimes I wish my friends isnt into those job.
Stupid Singapore.
Having so much competition in the same job scope.
F**king competition is so tight that.
One feels that anything within the circle is nothing but a profit.
Argghhhh...
Having headache this morning.
And now this guilt feeling isn't helping as well.
I really need to care for myself more then for others.
Being too friendly isn't good at all.
First girls are always into douchbags
2ndly being kind ends up getting negative feedbacks
Cos to many ppl , the thinking would be
" noone whose kind enough to do things."
F**k society.F**k idiots societ classing >.>
I wish I am in Japan...seriously

Singapore is just too much of a F up place >.>

...
So frustrating inside of me...
I guess the most troubling thing inside of me would be wat happen last nite...
Parent argued again.
Over some issue which I don't know.
Here I am wanting to plan for my future.
There it is a family issue that kept dragging me
Deeper and deeper into black hole.
Where I can't breathe and I can't vend my anger out anywhere.
I can't tell anyone my problem.
No one would actually understand it anyway.

Things like these,
If u experience it first hand,
U would look at the world in a very dim light.
To me everything in the world is always about money.
Everyone does a thing for the money gain they can get out of it.
I know in order to work out my life when I am old.
I would need to work hard now.
Not for anyone but for myself.
I fear to have someone to be with...
I really do..
With a family experience like this...
Wat lies ahead of me
is nothing but a blank sheet of paper.
A paper which I dare not draw upon.
I am no perfectionist
But watever I do,
I seek perfection.
Why...?
I donno...
My eyes are watery now.
But I hold my tears back...
I can't show my weak side to anyone...
I need to show the world how strong I am...
That I am not easily defeated...
Yet here I am trying very hard to old my tears back...

My heart aches a lot now...
I am seeking comfort... No I am craving for comfort...
No one I can cry to now except here .
I hope my words would be carrying my sadness
And tears for me...

I really donno would I would do with this little santuary of mine.
Since the day I started living here.
It has always been a fairytale for me.
Happiness, deepest sadness,loneliness, achievements.
All my feelings and emotions all stored in a digital world of characters and pixels.

Without me knowing I have talked so much here.
I am afraid of going home now...
Yet I am really tired now...
Really really tired of everything...

4:19 PM

Thursday, February 23, 2012

too much things too little time

just finish talking to a friend on photo editing project.
seems decently ok i guess.
but from the organizer's way of talking,
it seems like he is looking for a free meal -.-
it better not be some freebie frenzy.
time is important to me
every weekend i can put a photoshoot to up my portfolio.
dont ask me to do live editing for free i will go key siao.

also went to look for MP for a request on letter appealing for school fee.
but it seems like i am a bit too eager in preparing for it.
had to wait for the school to officially post the fee before i can appeal.
wasted another 2 hrs waiting there ... sigh...

sigh...
i donno if i should be piss off or just forgive and forget.
i have notice ppl do not take me seriously,
and consider the consequences of making a decision.
everytime i give an idea.
it takes me time to think about the answer
and to consider all the reasons before i would give my opinion.
some wondered on why i dont dare to reply instantly.
thinking that because u arent sincere , and u dont know.
that's why u dont respond instantly.
to me every answer means wat it meant
and i bare my promises that i make
fulfilling them as much as possible.

i have already read through ppl's mind way before they decide on things.
sadly i am disappointed in the decision ppl make when they finally
decide on things.
so i will just vent my anger here and let it go to rest...
^%R&**^%RTYUPIBVIYT FGOIG FIYVDBFNUIH UIFBGN..!!!!!!!!!!!!;lkdgnisojfoisjgoi

ok angry feeling . go away and dont bother me anymore zzzz

10:31 PM

It feels nice to be appreciate for wat u do.
Today another friend of mine who was my Ns mate back then.
Praised my work .
I guess after so many shoots and practice.
I finally am seeing my fruit tree bearing flower.
Of cos flower meant nothing to a fruit tree
Until u see it bear fruits.

For some ppl in the world.
These things we do are worthless,
Weird and not socially accepted.
I would like to ask the world this question.

So wat if we are the 10% of ppl who aren't like the rest?
Is there a problem to it?
You don't like wat u see.
U feel that we are weird.
U think the ppl u love has to be doing the "normal"
Things.

Let me ask u.
Wat is life to u all?
Are u just another soul-less walking corpse?
U wake up for work,
Love the ppl u think is socially accepted.
U sleep early in the nite.
And u think of the world as nothing but money and money.
Wat ARE you for real?
You are nothing but a plain piece of paper.
Nothing more then that.

Ps : plain piece of paper is boring.
Go dye urself with some polke dot at least.

1:20 PM

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Human race is weird

Humans are just plain silly.
When u stand up,
U force urself to fall again.
When u fall,
You cried and wish u didn't force urself to fall.
Then u lie to urself saying that the world forced u to do so,
That u didn't have a choice.
But clearly u have more then one chance to walk and stand proud.

Sadly i wish we are just wipe out by an asteroid or an alien invasion wiping the human race out lol

Being a human being I find all these little wards if truth
So hard to digest.
With the extra senses that we possess compare to the animals.
We are suppose to be superior amount all,
Yet we have a side of us which destroys each other.

And that side is called emotions and feelings.
We fear,
We feel excited,
Happiness and sadness.
And lastly we feel despair .
The one feeling we all fear the most.
This feeling causes misjudgment and false feelings.
Once u follows it.
You will forever dwell in the delusional dimension of self deception...

4:51 PM

Saturday, February 18, 2012

lots of thinking through...

hmmm a lot of things is revolving in my mind now.
about the future, my passion and my responsibility.
actually quite sick and tired of the lack of fund.
time has pass by for so long yet nothing is really moving much.

as i was browsing through JobDB.
i notice there is actually a lot of job opportunity to pursuit my passion.
but one thing is missing now and is really required is having a car license...

i know myself ..
if i really wanna go into the line of photography.
i gotta have my own transport as well.
hmmm ok i have set a resolution .
if i am really unable to get into ngee ann poly for my course.
i will pick up driving.
i know i have my fears of driving.
partially due to my prob of falling asleep without me knowing.
i wonder if that is the reason why i kept having pressure in facing it.
i know money wise if i wanna save i can do it.
just the psychological pressure...

i guess wat really turn me back on track was due to someone.
i mean if u meet up with someone whose mature etc,
ur thinking would start to change.
i am glad i learn things and changed my habits.
as a friend i do have to thanks her.
but i guess i dont wanna do it now.
wat matters most is to make things happen.
and when the fruits of my success comes by i will approach her to thank her.

past months have made me grown a little older and wiser as well.
i guess i mix with younger age so much that i totally forgot i am actually my age.
priority comes by with the responsibilities i have to face.
the challenges i will need to meet.
i do see changes in me.
and i am proud of it!

10:47 AM

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Lol wth

Lol funny isn't it.
Just when u feel u are afraid of u miss someone.
U do all things to make sure
U will forget the wrong feelings .
So that everything will be back to the norm again.
Yet in the end,
Things get mess up.
U get misunderstanding deeper then ever.
And in the end u only found out that u ppl actually was actually trying to
Contact u again.

I have never expected it...
With so many miss calls once every 2 hr or so
It makes one wonder .

But the past few days must have a troll in my life
Just not long ago,
A colleage almost didn't regconise me from my stomach lol.
Can't be that kua zhang bah.
Just a few days of lose appetite ,
I lost that much?

O well it's a good thing also bah.
I wish for my old body again.

7:32 AM

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

fly away...

bye bye

12:52 AM

Monday, February 13, 2012

Sigh...

I feel like running to a corner now.
Actually I am quite happy for her to finally
Have the attention of the person she was hoping for.
I donno ...
Have anyone ever have the feeling
Where u feel like telling someone something.
Yet u know words just makes things worst...

I know this feeling is gonna linger on for a period of time...
But I don't want it to affect anyone anymore...
Haha... Got a very funny feeling at the center of my chest now.
Stupid radio is playing the songs that makes things worst...

Smile... It's beautiful lie...
I need to retreat...
I need to hid within my shell... Again...

No! I will not hid in my shell anymore!
I need to break free of all this hiding myself here and there.
I am sick and tired of trying to be someone
I wanna be myself !
I wanna talk my ass off without giving ppl a damn consideration.
Why am I softening my voice for the sake of others?
Rawr rawr rawr!!!!
I wanna to be the fun me!
The jovious me.
The person who likes to make ppl laugh.
The happy go lucky guy who Is running around
Clowning around,
Not feeling embarrass and see joy in everyone!!!

Sigh...
A few hours has passed.
And I have already updated this post several times...
It's raining now...
I can't seems to shake off this weird feeling I have.
Kept looking at watsapp for updates.
But all I get is silence...
Didn't have appetite at all today.
Can tell today's she very happy.
Didn't dare to really text her.
Don't wanna spoil her day...
Will just dump everything here.
Since no one really comes here.
So I feel a little comfortable to say my heart out...
I really wish I have someone who would be my listening ear
As much as me being hers.

11:03 AM

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Punching bag...

Finally I have made someone throw out all her anger..
I know most probably I might end up being hated in a way..
But for someone who bottles up everything.
The only way for them to feel better is to have someone being a bad guy...

It is a bit painful inside to be spam with all those words.
But it has to be done.
This poor soul has too much weigh on her shoulder.
I know I did hit all the weak points with a critical hit.
Every blow is a pain.

If I understand her as much as I can know.
After a big rage .
She should feel lighter..
Haha... Now I am grounded ...
A small burden of being hated is now on me...
Dont mind carrying it for her.
Lol need to juggle with it and my shoot later...

Now I also donno how am I gonna pass her the gift...
Lol well done yutaka...
U have just slashed urself with a katana..

9:52 AM

Friday, February 10, 2012

shattered glass on the floor

sigh...
a nite of running around in ps preparing for something...
but in the end ,
it was kinda for nothing...
hmmm i wont say it's for nothing..
but more of a change again...
another small chapter of my life has closed.

i wish to squeeze them all out .
so i can sleep well tonite.
but yet i know i cant...
there is still so much to think it through..
sigh...
i really do wonder why...
i wish the reward was more of a truthful one..
sigh... i can never do that to someone which i have no feeling for...
....

11:43 PM

yesterday was a day of torture...
had a stiff neck ...
so bad that i can hardly turn my neck at all>
in addition of the warm weather i am feeling...
even in the air con i feel as if i was gonna faint.
with a bit of fever i guess...

but someone else was suffering even more worst then me...
sigh...
it seems like she must have overworked herself a little too hard...
but the stubborn side of her kept holding on.
i know even if i tell her many a times.
to take a rest,she would most probably just ignore it.
feel like just koking her head and tell her that everything is alright...
dont have to try so hard,
u have already prove urself to be very good...
u need to take a break...

after so many weeks of brain-storming,scripting and shooting,
it is finally finish...
only to find out facebook refuse to let me post it.
thank god i tried it first.
if not it would have screw up something important...

Oh Dear God ...
pls shine ur light over and light up her day tml
and blessing her to recover soon...

6:26 AM

Wednesday, February 08, 2012

The big round moon hanging above...

Yesterday's moon was really big.
As I was making my way home.
I saw a glimpse of it.
It was hanging low and huge !

For so long,
I have not had the feeling of my face being numb.
I tries to anticipate it as I closed my eyes.
But in the end, it still happened..
I just blushed as that brief moment happened.
Even now as I just recall it,
I would blush and feel embarress.

But things are in place now.
Finally after so long.
I have secured some form of insurance.
It would be tight on the budget that's for sure.
But for the future I guess I do have to do it.
It's now or never.

Sigh ... Here and there after so many years .
I am still here bothering about the stupid pay
that my job gives now.
But I know I need to hold on or it.
To gain work experience,
In order to build up work experience.
There is still things to learn from the colleage I work with.
I guess if I didn't meet Asnizal and Raymond,
There would have Been so much thing I wouldnever learnt.
My warmest gratitude to them..
I think the thanks try would want from me
Is to persude my photography and make a reputation and gain from it.
I will not let u both down.
Gambarimasu!

7:29 AM

Tuesday, February 07, 2012

the slumber that never came

can't seems to sleep tonite...
after a short chat text that went on to some deep issues
i am not sure if i am feeling it right,
but i think i hit a spot where many things leads to the origins of the past.
i really wish i can just go over and give her a hug.
telling her that it's ok.
memories is never easy to forget.
especially certain issues.
i know a strong and independent character dont just come by merely that way.
humans are born weak,selfish and self centered...
but the trials in life strengthens and creates path which we would follow.
the ending doorway would be the outcome of our own doing.

but coming back to the present.
sometimes i do feel that talk is cheap.
watever we say ,we are most of the time unable to achieve it.
i guess my heart is still a little troubled and feeling down by wat i found out.
one simply cant just walk into another persons life,
without experiencing the pain of seeing another person in life.
not that i have an right to intervene or make big changes.

i have laid a path for myself.
a future which i wish to persuade.
from the day where i was having a hard time talking to others to wat i am now.
i am still not good with words though.
i know i will need to put a lot of effort in trying to overcome it.
finally getting sleepy.

i dont wanna try too hard...
it makes me feel like i need to have it.
i wanna let things go through the course of nature slowly.
but knowing the crystal glass side of someone is never easy.
i am just glad i am honored enough to go a step deeper into the real her inside.
will i be able to get the chance this friday.
i donno...
let fate decide the path then

3:37 AM

Monday, February 06, 2012

The silent acceptance

It had Been so long since I really try to call someone and chat.
Haha but sadly the phone seems to kept having distortion whenever I call her.
Kami sama ... Naze yo...
Are u testing me as well.
I think I still haven't really blog on a dream I had
A few days ago.
Can't really remember it clearly though
But I actually dream about her.
We were walking in some kind of shopping area
Around outram park.
Suddenly there was a lot cats around.
Then suddenly a white cat just lap out of the one of the ledge,
Trying grap food or something.
But failed.
Kinda fell drop to almost 4 story high?
Coughed wat seems like blood and then walked away limping...
That was when I suddenly woke up.

Kinda scary though.
For a cat lover like mySelf .
Seeing that makes me feel sad ><
I hope I really don't see a cat doing it...

7:05 AM

Saturday, February 04, 2012

>< i blew it again...

again... i have made someone angry in a way ...
i have tried to keep the feeling low .
not wanting to pressure her...
i know she had many things in her mind.
not too mention the other guy
that is playing a fool.

sigh... that is why i am very afraid of telling ppl how i feel...
i know i have burst of emotions that ppl always misunderstands.
my ways of doing things is based on my very rush like emotions.
well for a person who is very experience in love and relationship.
reacting calmly in responds would be very understandable to many others...

sigh... i wish i was experience in the course of relationship.
but... to me loving 1 person means giving her all that i have.
one can say look out for others.
i would say i would but.if i really do look out for others.
then the feeling would be just a infatuation wouldnt it?

i am stupid...STUPID....!!!
why do i always become like this when i start to really fall for someone.
i am a nobody...compare to someone who is able to be around her everytime.
the only way is through texting...
i mean i have finally took up my courage to call her and have a conversation.
although it was a short one,
it was still a start from scratch...

i dont wanna ruin the path i am slowly building,
but just a while ago i just explained myself so much that i broke the stairs again.....
i am really hopeless...
i need to be quiet for a while...
i know 14 feb is somewat a slim chance of me dating her out.
i still hold on that hope that she would change her mind...

11:38 AM