When Dreams Prevail,

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

cant sleep.and so troubled...=\

sigh since i am unable to slp now
i might as well do some self talking here and there *sigh*
the whole day i have been troubled all around
i can feel changes all over which i cant get accustomed to yet
after the handing over of the work project to the new company
it all seems too unease with the new workforce

having to deal with new ppl and stuff
really gets me moving in the wrong direction
communication hasnt been my strongest point these days
not being able to convey myself to others
has made me feel all so hard to project myself

well i have always been a loner in a sense
soloing and doing my work individually is my strong point
having ppl looking over me seems a bit out of my place
i guess i found this flaw of mine back when i was trying to show others how good i am
instead of being good,i failed worst then i anticipated

so from then on i notice that proving to others on my ability isnt me at all
yes i do accept guidance and learning together
but having to either be a teacher or working in groups kinda made the worst out of me
geez...i never expect that small trauma back then could spark of such a big impact

i miss the daring me back then
danger isnt part of my fear
nowadays i just feel that i am bind by
my own fear of not living up to others expectation

it's really sickening actually
the fact that i am a deep thinker as well
though i dont react fast enough
but giving a duration ,a puzzle of any difficulty is break down to 1s and 0s bits
i being tearing and judging on someone after sometimes
and see deep into wat the kind of person one might be
and that really drives me in a mood for silence....

nowsadays topic fell short with replies
i can hardly really talk to anyone as well
knowing watever i talk could eventually turn against me
sweet talk? >.>
intellectual speech? <,<
silence? ^-^

the smarts talk is the speech of silence
but the loneliest one it is as well
i dont even know how to say
how are u feeling?,are u feeling well? or even take care of urself
geez i sure have fallen into a dark pit not knowing when i would really stop falling.
though i know there are ppl who are genuine in concern
but i cant bring myself to really thank them
or return them the feeling.

but wat i know is .
i never wanna be in debt to anyone
cos i never like oweing or owning anyone
why some might ask
well... eventually things can turn around and back fires at u

i prefer to be in a neutral in this chaotic world
why have the world crumble to such tragic momentum?
humans are just dark and evil...too dark to continue to live on the world

blah watever it's 2.45am now and yet i am only feeling a tint of doziness
i guess i will need to reflect on the times that's gonna come.
and how to deal with the individuals that are gonna come towards me
i really should learn to be more bad and evil
then a honest and friendly person
geez...but it's just me ,i dont have the heart to be bad.
or might it be t hat i dont have the guts to be bad?
hmmmmmm......i wonder....

3.13am...
geez still cant slp
looks like i might lost my slp tonite
so much things happening today
too many thoughts in my mind now
work,family,money and many other personal matters.
i cant believe today is one of my rainny days
where i can again get troubled

haha...it's just so had to talk to anyone this probs
so much misery yet i am silently carrying a fake smile facing the world alone
i guess the next thing i will touch on is office politics
the current work i am dealing with involves having a contract with a main company and a sub company
but the funny thing is
this main company is both from t he same family of company
aka sister companies
with the same higher management
both company fought each other like rivals

yea i wonder is this even called a friendly competition at all
in the end it's nothing but a "Paramid selling" symptoms
hmmm was it called again?...
ah yes hierarchy monotropy
where the top will always earn the most and gain the best
the lower hierarchy will be the "slaves"
fighting each other in favour for the "love"

wat has the world come to?
hacing to deal with something like this all over
really made me feel all so annoyed and sad at the same time
so i guess i have the right to hate mankind
hiding the real u in order to save urself the harm
is that really a must ?
a modern world survivor pack skill
something which i really do not enjoy looking and experiencing
but i guess there isnt many in the world which shares this thought of mine.

my oh my...
this post has gotten a bit too long and draggy
and too dark and emoish as well
i dislike being a emo
but being emotional is just part of my character
i guess as long as i dont bring the world that feeling
it should be fine

"a smile for the others
is a hidden tear shed within myself"

how long can i make the world happy till the day i lay by the very earth
that gave birth to me?
i dont know...i really dont...
not intending to find out as well...

2:08 AM